Positivity Is Not About Not Feeling Like Sh*t

I really dig positive psychology.

Maybe it's a serious love affair. Then again, maybe it is just because I am a very positive person myself. I am what you'd call "bubbly", so, cheerful inspirational quotes suit me just fine. If there's glitter on top, even better.

Also, according to my own experience in dingy call centres, stressful jobs, and sucky restaurants, a positive attitude can turn even the dullest tasks into a fun game. I once spent a week beating my own personal best at cold-calling people for a magazine subscription. I didn't love the job, but I did love the odd conversations that ensued.

For me, being positive is a matter of emotional efficiency. It's simple: If I have to go through boring or shitty times either way, I may as well look on the bright side. At least I'll feel better in my shitpile even though it still stinks. It worked in high school English class, and it still works in boring meetings now.

The other day, though, I must have burst into a strange internet bubble. Suddenly, all my feeds were filled with stories related to "toxic positivity". According to these stories, you can take being positive so far that it harms yourself and others.

Positivity, in these expert opinions, is just a big fake that does more harm than good.

I disagree with this wholeheartedly because my empirical evidence of life teaches me differently every day.

One thing I'll concede, though: in extreme cases of positivity, spiritual bypassing can be an issue. Spiritual bypassing is when you say you're fine and think that you'll really be fine if you repeat it often enough.

Shit ain't gonna go away just because you say you're fine.

Smiling in the face of adversity and pretending you love everything life throws at you will not solve your problems.

Actions will solve your problems.

So we can agree that—like any medicine—positivity needs to be used correctly.

I find it interesting that many people who call out others for "toxic positivity" have a very negative platform themselves. They call it being realistic and raising awareness, but in the end, their main gig is calling out others for being "fake positive".

I agree that faking a positive attitude all the time is wrong and misleading. Just like pretending anything for a long time is deceptive and can cause some damage to others. In that way, "positivity" is just like "beauty standards in magazines". Photoshop for emotions is still photoshop.

However, I also think that if the only thing you have to say—on the internet or elsewhere— is about taking other people down, there's something wrong with you, too.

In the end, I think that positivity is very misunderstood and misused. Unfortunately, extreme views only perpetuate this and the internet reward extreme statements much more than differentiated ones.

"Change Your Life By Sometimes Having a Positive Attitude and Sometimes Having a Sobfest" just doesn't get as many clicks, even if it's true.

Positivity is not about being positive all the time. It is not about guilt-tripping yourself when you have a sad or miserable day, week, or even month.

Positive people can get depression, they can have long stretches of "a rough time", and they can be a sobbing puddle hiding under the blanket some days.

I know because I am one of them.

When I talk to you about "being positive", I don't mean "never feel like shit and if you do, pretend otherwise".

When I say, "having a positive outlook helps me deal with this mess", I mean that "reframing things in a more positive way helps me get out of my hole in the ground when things are rough".

Essentially, telling myself a fairy tale instead of a horror story helps me sleep at night.

I still react to bad things the way most people do. I get angry, I get sad. I cry, and I feel miserable.

Sometimes with good reason, sometimes just because my brain is weird that day.

Positivity does not change that.

It does, however, change the story I tell myself and the world afterwards.

You know, the one where instead of telling you that I am miserable and life is going to shit anyway, I say, "Yeh, I just had a tough day and got deep into the ice cream. I reckon things are gonna get better once I get some sleep".

Calling it a "light tremor" may not do justice to the earthquake, but it might keep me from losing my mind with panic long enough to seek shelter.

Positivity can be overdone, and some of those inspirational quotes may give you a toothache. That's fine. You don't have to go full-throttle.

Positivity can look as innocuous as your grandma saying, "Come now, it ain't as bad as all that".

I don't know about your grandma, but mine was usually right.