You Don't Need "Big Bad Things" to Happen to Develop Toxic Thoughts

Growing up is a tough business.

Somewhere along the way, we all take a wrong turn or two and get messed up. Some of us only have mild issues. Perhaps we're weird around money or really need to have the right kind of curtains.

Some of us end up with issues that are more serious. Maybe really bad stuff happened and we're still working on simply surviving.

Like most of us, I am somewhere in the middle. Some of my childhood memories are wonderful and some are terrible. I've not had the worst happen to me, but things were not healthy either.

When I began to unpack my growing-up story, I looked at the big stuff first. The things where I had obvious issues. The approval seeking. The fear of abandonment. The money anxiety.

I still look at these sometimes, but I’m in maintenance mode. I haven’t had a major blow-up about any of the biggies in years. For a while, I thought I had it all sorted and nothing much more left to do.

Of course, I was wrong.

Looking back at my childhood story without the “big things” clamouring for my attention, I realize that the most unhealthy things didn’t come from single events or periods.

It’s all in the little day to day interactions.

It's when a relative shames me because my skin is so light and unsunny. This happened recently, the last time I visited.

"You must be inside all the time". "Don't you think you're exaggerating with the sunscreen?" "Ah well, you always were kind of a couch potato!"

Apparently, in my family, being sunburned or having leathery skin is a medal for doing everything right and we’re not shy to shame each other about it. That’s pretty weird, no? In some of my realtive’s book, you’re a better person with a sunburn.

After this episode, I started to notice other toxic comments and things that were very unhealthy when I grew up.

For example, there was and still is a lot of judgment and commenting on people's appearance behind their back. In my family, we'd never comment on what the neighbour lady was doing with her hair, but we'd happily comment on each other.

"She looked really wrecked in that outfit. “

“She should wash her hair more."

I generally don't judge people on their appearance, and yet, "she really should not be wearing this" was one of the first thoughts that popped into my head when I saw a picture of my sister the other day.

What an unkind thing to think!

Especially, since my sister is a very smart, very accomplished young woman who (not that it matters) takes great care of her appearance.

The thought just popped up automatically and unasked.

The judgmental small talk that was so common around the dinner table is like a poison that still lingers in my mind.

I was too young to participate, but my inner voice still got the gist.

We had the same kind of talk about whatever family members were doing. Everything got talked about in this casual, unkind way. All the time.

It's like breathing really bad air for years and years. You're going to get sick. Not all at once. Not dramatically with a big bang. But slowly.

Time to clear out my mind and get rid of some thought patterns.