Self-Help: Why It Grates And Why It's Still Useful

When you're in a downward spiral, the only prayer I have for you is this one:

"May you hit rock bottom swiftly and may you survive the landing."

Because there is no way up before you haven’t gotten as bad as you are willing to let yourself get.

We never really do something about our pains unless we have had enough. Believe me, I know. I once almost died of a UTI because “the pain is not that bad”. Thankfully, I have people in my life who drive me to the hospital, even when I am protesting through my fever-clenched teeth.

We don't act until things bother us so much that we feel compelled. This si true for both physical and mental or emotional pain.

The pattern holds for personal pains and global issues.

No big change ever came from "well, it could be a little better so let's do something about it".

Just think about how long it took for #metoo to come along and you get an idea.

Pain is the mother of progress.

But at first, even the suggestion that you can make progress sounds really loopy. Pick up any self-help book and I bet that unless you’re desperate or used to them, you’ll cringe and dismiss everything in it. The closer it hits to home, the more you’ll dismiss it.

The mind is funny that way. The vehemence of our own denial is directly correlated with the seriousness of our issues. The more you scoff, the more likely you need help.

“What? No! I could change any second, I just don’t think I need to!”

That was me.

A lot of the "self-helpy" stuff I do these days sounded completely ridiculous to me when I most needed it.

In my mid-twenties, when I was basically a walking handbag of denial and pain, I would not have been caught dead in yoga class or writing a mood journal. In fact, I distinctly remember a conversation I had with a friend from university about how useless mood journals were.

These days, I track my mood and write down my feelings on paper. Sometimes, I even get soo woo as to strike a power pose in front of the mirror and mumble an affirmation or two.

I also read a lot of self-help books. And science books. And poetry. And inspirational whateveryoumaycallit. Not all of it is advice. Some of it is just about how the brain works or philosophical.

Sometimes, they’re still not for me but I haven’t scoffed in a long time. If I don’t like something, I just put it down and move on. No denial necessary.

When I read self-help books, I have one of two reactions:

If it is something I've heard about before but still struggle to do, I go "oh, right, that's a thing" (hi, meditation, when will you stick around?).

If the advice involves a piece of brain science or mental health research I haven't come across yet, I go "Oh wow, that explains so much!". My favourite recent find is research into the psychotropic effects of deep, rhythmic breathing. Turns out, I have engaged in activities that get people seriously high since I was six. Singing and breathing, especially as a group. Who knew choir practice could be so potent!

There is a reason most religions involve chanting. “It sounds good” isn’t it.

But what reads normal to me now, reads very weird to people who haven’t arrived at their rock bottom yet.

Especially people who are deeply unhappy with their lives also have a tendency to "not believe in that woo-woo stuff".

We all fall into this trap over and over again. I still do but in a different way.

We all have our own rock bottom. The point where we truly and fundamentally accept that things can not go on the way they have been going on. The point where we want to change more than we want the "comfort" of our usual misery.

It's different for every person. My rock bottom used to be pretty low so my spirals went very far down before I came back up. I know people who have lower pits but I also know a lot of people who would have started to do something lot sooner than I did.

Nevertheless, you have to hit that point of "I want to do something and I truly accept that nothing of what I have been doing is working" to be able to hear whatever self-help literature, science, or your grandma’s advice have to offer. If you're not there yet, it's just going to sound ridiculous or patronizing. Your confirmation bias will work against you as long as the opinion you want to confirm is “I am meant to suffer and n nothing will help”.

“What do you mean by breathing techniques help with anxiety? I've been breathing all my life and I am still anxious!"

But there is hope. One day, you’ll decide to get out of the frying pain. You’ll realise that you don’t need to sit on that nail anymore.

You won’t get better all at once when you realise this. But you’ll start with your first step.

Only you can change your mind.

As annoying as that may be, it’s also very powerful.