Criticism Is Empathy In Reverse
Learning how to take criticism well is incredibly difficult. It is hard not to defend myself when someone points out something I did wrong or tells me about how I have negatively affected them.
Funnily enough, I have learned a lot about how to take criticism by learning to be more vocal with my own critiques. Now that I know what my actual intentions are - and more importantly what they are not - when I am speaking up about a problem, I can also relate much better to people who are criticizing me.
I now know that most of the time it is not personal. When it is personal, it usually comes with a really big label: "This is Personal. Duh!" Believe me, when someone means something personally, they will be more than happy to include that info in their criticism. So instead of waiting until someone says "don't take this personally", I just try not to by default. Similarly, most of the things I point out to other people are not meant personally either, and when they are, I make it known.
I have also learned that voicing a critique is not the same as asking someone to do something. Very often, the only intention of my speaking up is to let other people know. I want to give them information about my experience with the situation so that they can check whether or not that experience is what they were going for. Then, I leave the "what to do with that" up to them. If they want to act on it, lovely. If they don't, also lovely, at least now they know what effect they had on me. Sometimes, they may conclude that a critique requires action but sometimes, they may also be just fine with the situation. That's not for me to decide. Figuring this out helped me not to feel like everyone is asking something of me when they give me criticism. I try to take it more like "information to be considered".
After all, we are not in school anymore. We are not being graded and whether we are doing well or not is not the matter of one person's opinion.
Criticism, when done right, can be a shortcut to empathy. Instead of having to put myself in your shoes and spend a lot of time trying to figure out how my message lands with you, I get the information for free. Voluntarily, sometimes even with helpful suggestions. It helps me check whether whatever I am doing is working as I intended. It also helps me know how you feel and sometimes, it even helps me to better help you.
In fact, as long as we both stay civil, criticism may be the best thing that ever happened to our relationship.
