Shame Won't Change A Thing
After fear, shame is the most commonly used emotion to control behavior. If you’ve ever done something so that people wouldn’t laugh at you, you know what I mean.
The idea is that if we feel ashamed of our behavior, we will change it. A lot of my teenage behavior falls into this category. I’d have done anything to avoid certain types or mortification (Hi, period, bras, thongs, aerosol deodorant, locker rooms!).
Of course, it doesn't work very well. Just ask any Catholic of your acquaintance about how it’s going for them what with the eternal damnation and “thou shalt not”. Shaming people into a certain behavior works for a while, but sooner or later, just like fear, shame breeds much more problematic behavior than it prevents. The Catholics aren’t the only ones who know this well.
Shame only leads to hiding problematic behavior. Then, it festers and we develop a nice dose of guilt on top of the bits we are already ashamed of. Talk about a sh*t sandwich.
This happens when others shame us, but it also happens when we shame ourselves.
If you have ever started a sentence with "I know I should..." you have shamed yourself. Instead of looking at the situation and making an honest decision, you are guilt-tripping yourself.
Any of these sound familiar?
"I should call my mother."
"I really should make a doctor's appointment."
"I should study more."
“I should tidy up the closet".
“I should quit smoking".”
“I shouldn’t have more than two drinks.”
Especially that last one is still a big struggle for me. I just love anything with Vodka, even though my chance of a headache the next day seems to exponentially increase as I get older. This is probably the only thing I envy my 20-year-old self.
I am pretty sure you can agree at least with some of these "shoulds". Calling your mother seems like the right thing to do and we all know you need to go to the dentist twice a year.
And yet, do any of these statements make you feel like you want to change your behavior?
I bet they don't.
When you read over that list of “shoulds”, you probably nod to yourself and perhaps you even mumble “oh, yeah, me too”. Then a tiny guilt gremlin stabbed you in your tow. You remember the closet in the hallway because it looks like aliens moved in there. So you check your ToDo-list and made sure “tidy up portal to fifth dimension” is still on there.
None of this will get you closer to eliminating the hazards in the closet or calling your mother.
A change in behavior can only happen when we accept how things really are without judgment. That doesn't mean that we need to be content with how things are. You can look at the situation as it is and then decide that you don’t want it that way. Or you find out that you like things just fine. I, for one, don’t mind an intergalactic portal in my closet.
Neutrality is key, though.
"You are not studying every day and you have an exam coming up" is a neutral statement. It doesn’t judge in the same way as “You should study more!!!” does. It opens the door to a conversation.
Do you want to pass the exam or do you just think you should? Do you need to study every day? Do you know what you have to study? How much do you have to review each day to make it through the material? Do you even have time in the day?
This works wonderfully on my son when he has a test coming up. Instead of feeling resentful because he is locked into the story of “I should do more”, he can skip a few days of guilt, realize that half an hour a day is enough, decide that that is. not too much to ask, and then just get on with it.
Things you are ashamed of hold you back. They can even keep you from successfully doing things you are not ashamed of. We all know this: You want to finish a project or get some exercise, but you’re binging YouTube instead.
Perhaps you are spending too much time in an online game (Hi, past me!) or you watch too much Netflix. Perhaps you're struggling with Social Media addiction or self-medicate with toxic relationships, alcohol, sex, or any number of substances.
The thing is, as long as you shame yourself for your behavior by saying “I should really…”, you can not examine the behavior with curiosity. If you can not examine the behavior, you can not truly understand in which ways the behavior is hurting you. If you can not examine how the behavior hurts you, you can't really get on board with the idea that perhaps you do not want this behavior anymore. You need to buy into the idea of change to be able to execute it.
And sometimes it is entirely the case that you don't want to change the behavior.
I don't want to call my mother. So I don't. And I do not feel guilty about it. I've looked at why I don't want to call her, I've decided I'm ok with that, and I can now confidently stand behind my decision. I don't feel shame anymore when someone says "You should call your mother".
On the other hand, I have made that doctor's appointment. I have figured out that I care enough about being healthy to stand a little discomfort at the doctor's office. I bought into the idea and transformed the “should” into “I will because I care about…”
Acknowledging your situation without judgment and then making a decision—whichever way you go with it—will get you to change the things you care about sooner than any shaming will.
Shame keeps you from getting better because it lets you have the moral high ground compared to yourself and others without you having to do anything for it. The moment you take that away by being honest, you'll either climb that hill to get on that moral high ground or you'll have to adjust your values.
Both are terrific ways to start.
