What's Your Problem

Being able to answer that question accurately and without judgment is what stands between you and the solution.

When we do something wrong or act in a way we feel we should not, we often have a very hard time admitting that we have made a mistake. We downplay, we make excuses. We try to beat around the bush, we talk our way around what's going on.

Or we shame ourselves.

Imagine you've spent a day playing video games even though you have a maths exam coming up.

It’s an easy thing for me to imagine because that’s exactly where I Was a few years ago.

When it happened, I'd make excuses like "I will start tomorrow", "I can stop playing anytime", "I could study maths if I needed to but it is enough if I start next week".

Come next week, I'd still be playing video games. The excuses turned into shame.

"I am so lazy."

"I am so stupid."

And so on.

Not a single one of these statements helped me address my actual problem. The first set of statements firmly denied that there was a problem so my brain did not bother to come up with a solution.

The second set of statements focussed on negative absolute statements about myself. As far as I understood, laziness was an immutable trait. I could not change that. I just was.

Things only improved when I learned to talk about what was going on in a less judgmental and more accurate way.

It wasn't that I did not want to study for my maths test. Not exactly. I just wanted to play video games more right at that moment.

Once I could name that, I was able to investigate that notion and ask myself more useful questions.

Why do I want to play video games more?

What am I getting from them?

Do I really want what I am getting?

It turned out that playing video games made me feel competent and studying maths did not. I wanted very much to feel competent. Realising this and then thinking my way through "how can I feel competent at maths" helped a lot.

I also identified things like "it is very hard not to play video games when I am at my video game PC" and "It is hard not to play video games when I am around people who are playing".

So I went somewhere else to study and gladly. I turned off notifications from friends who were playing so I "just would not see things". I stopped talking about video games while I was supposed to study.

Of course, you can get the same advice off of any “how to study better” resource on the internet. Doing that, though, is like getting advice from your parents. Often, what they tell you is true but you still won’t hear it.

That’s because when you get advice, you often have not articulated your problem yet. You can not get on board with a solution for a problem you still don’t believe you have. You also can’t accept a solution for a problem you are too ashamed to look at because accepting the solution is like admitting to the problem.

You have to identify the problem and be as precise and judgment-free as possible before you can move on.

The same is true when you try to help others.

Giving advice to someone who has not spelt out their problem to themselves is like pouring really good Margaritas down the drain. They will not hear what they have not named themselves.