Parenting Ahead of Time
At the moment, I am teaching Sean, my son, the basics of reviewing his day and planning ahead for the next one. I am using a very simplified version of the bullet journal method to do this. For now, he just writes down what he wants to do the next day and then either crosses it off or re-writes it for the day after that.
Sticking to a routine is hard for me and of course, I am more than a little chagrinned to see that my son struggles with the same things as I did and still do. The apple fell right next to me.
I can manage for myself very well, but looking after an additional person and supporting them with reminders is hard. Sometimes, we still don't make our evening meeting.
That's ok, though, It is not about perfection, it's about progress.
Even though we only get five out of seven days a week at the moment, Sean is already a lot better at writing down what he wants and needs to do. He is a lot more precise about his to-dos as well. Where before, it would just say "maths", there is now a precise exercise to do and sometimes, he even adds a time.
One thing I have noticed is that we both really benefit when I can parent ahead of time. Instead of giving him a lecture when things are already out of whack and I am stressed, I have started to proactively give him mini-lessons when things are calm. This way, I can give him the information he needs without being keyed up.
Today, for example, we talked about why he loses track of what he is doing when he is tidying up his room. I also explained to him why he needs to write a concrete time frame or some other detail down with the task. "Tomorrow after breakfast" increases his chance of doing the tasks massively compared to just "tomorrow".
I don't only use parenting ahead of time for self-organizing, though. We also talk through other things like meals, bedtime, plans, fun stuff we want to do, politics, school, values, why I am upset sometimes and not others, and how to make tomato sauce.
This parenting ahead of time does not prevent conflicts—he is still a teenager and I am still his mother. Sometimes, there is only so much patience to go around.
What it does do, though, is ensure that I am giving Sean the information he needs to actually remedy the situation bit by bit. I don’t think you learn very much from your upset mom screaming at you except, perhaps, how to be worried.
Parenting ahead of time also means I am in a much more receptive state. If Sean has something to say, if there is a misunderstanding, or if things are just too unclear, I can find out about it and we can address it. The more stressed I am, the more unreasonable I get, so my chances of listening well lower. Best to do some of the listening when we’re both calm.
In the end, life is a lot easier for both of us when we talk before the problem excalates.
