Fighting my Creative Fear by Publishing Stuff

Over the last couple of years, I've experimented with several forms of "create a lot and publish a lot".

I did a NaNoWriMo where I wrote a whole novel about little people who live on a huge tree and believe the tree is the whole world. I made it all the way through the story and felt like I had conquered the world when I hit "The End".

I also did a couple of weeks where I published something on Medium every day and for the last year and a half, I have written a daily post of 300 words on a platform called Write Together.

In other media, I have published poetry on Instagram, streamed recording sessions on Twitch, published some songs on SoundCloud, and hosted a couple of public online events.

Some of the things I've published I still like - especially the poetry. Other things I'd gladly re-write, re-record, or otherwise do again.

I still like that it's all out there, though, because it took me a long time to overcome the emotional hurdles that kept me from showing what I am creating and speaking up about it. My poetry, for example, is published under a different name.

In the beginning, I could only share things with strangers, secretly.

Today, I can just say "here, I made this". At least most of the time.

When I stop publishing or try something new, the old fear starts to rear its head again. I feel shame and self-doubt and then head straight into a creative block.

When Simon and I started recording our songs, I felt self-conscious. The first public "hey, we made this" was very, very hard.

And even now, my brain tries to trick me into keeping things secret.

"It's not ready yet" is what my mind tells me. "You can do better" and "You need a proper website first.

Or my all-time favourite: "People will feel annoyed if you share this".

So my policy at the moment is to just put things out there. I put in my best effort, do as good by the work as I can, and then just put it somewhere public.

"Public" doesn't mean it has to be a busy place with lots of viewers.

It just means "somewhere where someone can stumble across it".

I still keep working on things after I publish them. Especially the songs. I re-record vocals, learn more about editing, re-write lyrics, or ask my singing teacher for help with technique.

Almost everything is a work in progress.

But for me, the possibility that "someone could see", the possibility of "someone looking my way", helps me keep the shame away. Every time I publish something and nothing bad happens, I am a little less afraid.

So up on the internet it goes.