Stop Apologizing For Everything

When I was in my twenties, I apologized for everything. I apologized when I didn’t know something, when I didn’t have time, when I felt I had not been nice enough, when I was overdressed or underdressed, when I was very sad, when I was too happy, when I was crying, when I was laughing, when I smiled, when I was up and when I was down.

I apologized for everything. All the time.

Most of all, I apologized for being human. For being myself.

I am not sure where all that insecurity came from. I can only guess that it has something to do with having to find my own way.

I started to feel that I didn’t know anything about life. That I was only making it up as I went along and that surely, everyone else must know better. I also thought that there were a lot of things wrong with me. Some of it was my own thinking. Some of it was stuff that other people told me and I believed. Every time someone told me I was too bright, too loud, too this, too that, another thing to apologize for got added to the list. I apologized every time I felt someone was not completely happy (with me or just in general).

Today, I am much more unapologetic. At first, it felt weird. Not apologizing felt like not being nice. Sometimes, it somehow even felt like being rude.

But let’s think about this for a moment.

When you apologize even though you did nothing wrong, it can have some really negative consequences.

First, you are putting yourself down. You are internalizing a mistake that might not even be a mistake, or taking something onto yourself that is not yours. You are sending yourself the message that you need to apologize.

Secondly, you are internalizing blame for a million things that are not your fault. Some of them are other people’s fault. Most of them are nobody’s fault. You’ll end up apologizing for everything that is wrong with life on this planet if you go on like this.

Also, by over-apologizing you devalue the power of your apologies. By throwing them around like so much sad confetti, you are taking depth away from the times when you really want and need to apologize. Your apologeticness will escalate. There are only so many ways to say “I am sorry”, you will apologize harder and harder. Where is it going to end?

Of course, I think that some apologies are necessary. But not handing them out for no reason does not make you a mean person. It simply makes you a person who does not say “I am so sorry” when there is nothing to say “sorry” about.

When you have no reason to apologize, apologizing is the wrong thing to do.

So just stop. I know it’s hard. But please. Stop apologizing.